The title of this guide holds an important message. It is that you can score a date with
You could be the most beautiful woman in the world. Have a brilliant brain. Live in a luxurious mansion. Yet, if you’re not self-assured, you will lose out.
Scoring a date is a bit like selling a product. You’re the salesperson who needs to convince the man or woman who has caught your eye that you’re worth their time.
Successful salespersons are confident in the product they sell, whether or not they believe it is the right product for your needs. Confidence shows and a lack of it is apparent too.
If there is one thing that you can do to improve your dating success, try to be your most confident self before a potential date.
FEEL the part
(a.) Confidence comes from knowing what makes you an accomplished person, a good human being and a loving partner. You can bet that others will notice it and compliment you, further boosting your self-esteem and confidence.
Many of us don’t have a self-awareness around our desirable traits and skills, which holds us back from acting confidently. Take some time out to identify what makes you a desirable person to ask out on a date. Some ideas:
- I have a great sense of humor
- I’m an excellent listener
- I’m the first to offer people help
- I’m a resourceful go-getter
- I’m empathetic
- I’m creative
- I’m well-travelled
- I’m in a secure, well-paying job
- I’m physically attractive
These are CONFIDENCE BOOSTERS that do wonders for your mental state and promote an optimistic attitude at singles’ bars and all the socializing places you visit.
Think of boosters practically and non-judgmentally. Yes, valuing your physical beauty is quite superficial, but it definitely gives you an initial edge in the dating game. But if you’re not a good listener, then the guy who wants to have a conversation with you may leave you for the average-looking woman who demonstrates genuine interest in what he has to say.
There’s another category of CONFIDENCE BOOSTERS that isn’t tied to who you are and what skills you have, rather, how you perceive your present status in life.
- I’m in a great consulting job/I finally got a job after six months
- I just moved into the home of my dreams/I’m renting a home in a decent NYC neighborhood
You could get your confidence from earning a six-figure income. You could also be making 60k a year and feel confident knowing you have a paying job.
You may live in an enviable studio apartment or you may have moved to a one-bedroom flat in one of the city’s better, safer neighborhoods. In either case, you could derive your confidence from living in a place you like or can be proud of.
Some more instances:
- I’m more carefree now than before and live in the moment
- I have stopped worrying about how I look or where I come from
- I have lost weight
- I can now speak English fluently
- I am ready to find a partner for life
It’s all in the mind. When you appreciate and feel grateful for what you have, your confidence increases manifold.
(b) Work on what you think you lack. Avoid obsessing over what you don’t have or can’t realistically achieve. Focus on the things that affect your confidence and that you can accomplish or rectify reasonably well.
- My conversational skills can be better. Maybe I can participate in neighborhood meetings and social meetups more often. Is there an affordable improv class that I can join?
- I haven’t yet explored the city’s best dining places. I’m not very culturally aware about the city. This could put me at a disadvantage, especially if I want to meet a guy who loves to dine out and explore new places.
- I haven’t been sexually active in years. How awkward would I and he/she feel when we’re ready to take things to the next level? What can I possibly do: brush up on my foreplay techniques, do pelvic floors exercises, try different mood music to slip easily to romance mode when he/she comes home?
Confident people aren’t afraid to admit what they don’t know or where they can improve. Work at what you lack proactively. You will improve over time and have the opportunity to keep adding to that foundation for life!
ACT the part
We have a guide on the body language of attraction – make sure you give it a read to decipher if a man or woman is into you. As our non-verbal expressions of romantic attraction are involuntary and spontaneous, we don’t really have much control over why we blush, toss our hair or flick our eyebrows.
What we can control is the tone of our body language. Obviously, a positive body language works in your favor and can have a powerful impact on people.
Tips on assuming the body language of confidence
1. A smile that reaches your eyes! A fake smile doesn’t reach the eyes. The mouth goes up but the eyes don’t tighten. While a confident man or woman may be a pro at faking smiles, a genuine smile breaks the ice silently and encourages people to approach you.
2. A relaxed posture. A rigid posture indicates that you’re uptight (even if you aren’t) while slouching suggests insecurity and timidity. Practice getting into a straight, relaxed and comfortable posture.
3. Use hand gestures. Not clenching your hand, fidgeting with your fingers or twisting your earrings! Natural hand gestures are linked to speech, indicate that you’re actually interested or enthusiastic about what you’re saying, and can help you form clearer thoughts. Each is a benefit when you’re trying to engage a man or woman in a conversation.
4. Assume an open body posture. A closed posture: crossing your arms and keeping your feet too close together suggests a closed mind and poor confidence. Don’t close your body and if you tend to stiffen up when you meet someone, practice letting go and living in the moment.
5. Take up space and be comfortable in it. When you’re attracted to someone, you try to enter their personal space to be closer to them. You can do it respectfully without scaring the person off. Taking up suitable space for your body size hints that you’re not afraid to make yourself confident in your own space.
Embrace Your Passions
We are attracted to people who are passionate about life. Nothing turns a man on more than a woman who talks passionately and energetically about the things she likes and values in life. The same holds true for women – a guy with strong likes and dislikes is a turn-on, and perceived as being reliable.
When you’re at a singles bar, you have as much of a chance as any man or woman of scoring a date. You can win big brownie points by being open about what you love and what excites you – as long as it is reasonably meaningful. Men and women will find your zest for life alluring and want to spend more time in your company. You won’t have to try hard to get a date because when it’s time to say goodbye, many will ask for your number or ask you out!
How to approach someone you like
There’s no fool-proof way of approaching someone that will score you a date. But there’s one that can improve your chances of being asked out or getting a ‘yes’ when you ask the person out.
Scan the room quickly and see who catches your eye/looks interesting (this is subjective and depends entirely on you)
Make eye contact and smile. Doesn’t matter if you’re alone or with friends, initiate interest non-verbally.
Does the man/woman return your smile? If they do, that’s a good sign. At your table or the bar, eye flirt a few times. If he engages you, make sure you have an opportunity to be alone so he feels comfortable approaching you. If she engages you, wait for her friends to head to the restroom – they may really need to use it while she stays back or it can be a girl code for ‘go away for a while so that guy can come over’.
The man/woman approaches you. Greet him/her and introduce yourself. Obviously, they will respond similarly. Now the conversation begins.
Some small talk is inevitable. But there are many opportunities to get to know the person during the small talk and give him a chance to know you as well. Just remember the magic word ‘why’. It is open-ended, and she has to say something other than a ‘yeah’ or ‘ok’! For example, you ask, “You come here often?” And he says “Yeah”, you can then follow with “Why do you like coming here?”
As you get into the flow, you will know why he pursues a certain hobby, why he chose to live in NYC and why he thinks acting mature and controlled is overrated! Asking someone ‘why’ is also playful and flirty – it’s exponentially better than the “Umm..okay”, “Oh, really” and “So, what else…”.
So, your conversation is progressing well. Should you go on talking into the night (or until the place closes)? Not really. To land a date, you need to keep some mystery and keep him hanging. There are some ways to do it without making the man/woman feel that you might not be interested after all.
You can excuse yourself politely and say, “Will I see you again?” It’s simple, direct and puts the ball in the other person’s court. If he/she has enjoyed talking to you, you can bet that they’ll say ‘yes’ and you will exchange numbers or have a date to save on your phone calendar.
If you’re with friends and they return to the table or the guy feels like he shouldn’t take up too much of your time, he will ask for your number before he heads off. Make sure you take his number too.
The night is still young
You don’t want to limit yourself to speaking with just one man or woman. The first guy or gal who catches your eye may not be the one who takes you out on a date.
Be strategic – scan the crowd, mingle and give the people you’ve chosen (or who have chosen you) a little bit of your time. Also be flexible: if you really enjoy the company of that one man or woman and they’re reciprocating, place your bets on him/her.
Here’s to dating success and finding someone who captures your mind and heart 😊